As I’ve not written anything worthwhile for some time now, I tried provoking myself into writing by thinking of topics of discussions that irritated me in the recent times. And I ended up with a topic that was, is and will continue to create a big fuzz for a considerable time to come. And, in the process of putting this out of my head and onto the keyboard, I will try my best to provoke you too (which I can’t help doing). So, if you are someone who is easily offended, better shove off right now!
(I know this line will surely keep you reading further!)
There was once a farm, a farm so green and fresh that it glittered in the morning sun. In the farm, there lived a variety of animals of all sizes and shapes, ranging from common house lizards to muscular, galloping horses. They lived in total harmony and peace in the farm, which was owned by a man with no religion! Yes! I said it! He had no religion. (Now close those wide-open mouths and swallow that lump in your throat!). The man with no religion was a vegetarian, or as the pretty Hollywood ladies would say, a ‘vegan’! which meant he didn’t care for killing animals, skinning them, peeling meat off their bones, cooking them, and eating almost all of the body parts he could possibly find. He didn’t like any of this, simply because he thought he felt it would hurt if the same things were done to his body; and not because he believed in philosophical or highly morale things like the ‘sanctity of life’ or ‘purity of soul’ or any such stuff. Thus, he and his animals lived peacefully in that little, beautiful farm of his.
One day, a dreaded dirty day, he had some visitors. They were his friends and were three in number. One was a Christian, the second a Muslim and the third a Hindu. (Don’t worry! I’ve used caps for your religion’s name to make you think I respect it). They came uninvited into that little farm of his to surprise him on his birthday, and what a surprise was it indeed! They were meeting after a long time, and wanted to celebrate the occasion along with his birthday, and indeed wanted to prepare a feast in love fr their old friend. They said that they would do all the cooking, and that he could rest since it was his birthday.
On hearing people in the house and knowing that it was their master’s birthday, the animals were so happy that they decided to sing ‘Happy Birthday To You’ in a chorus wishing their master a long life. The did so indeed, and thought that the song was beautiful. But all the humans in the house heard was
a chorus of ‘brays’, ‘oinks’, ‘cuckkoos’, ‘bays’ and ‘neighs’. They rushed t the farm on hearing the sounds and were so surprised to see so many animals. Nah! not the animals. In fact, what they saw was MEAT! So much meat in such a small area that would last them for a week. They began to drool thinking of the wide variety of things they would eat that weekend. The three men, although they belonged to three different religions, were all the same when they were hungry! (point to be noted).
The Christian was the happiest because he had tasted the meat of almost everything in there, from the common house lizard to the muscular, galloping horse, (and even some things which were not in the farm, like Ostrich, Camel, Iguana, small garden snakes, Spiders, Earthworms, and other animals of assorted sort). He went drooling away into the kitchen to get the knives to start the killing process and savour the pleasure in ripping the meat off the beasts. He came back with the knife and advanced to the pig, licking his lips! He could not see the pig itself, but instead saw a big plate full of bacon, garnished with salad. As he raised the knife, he heard a shout. “No, brother, haram! haram!”. It was the Muslim.
The Christian looked at him in astonishment, and the Hindu was sneering at him! On being enquired of the reason for the shout and throw of random Arab words (see, I used caps for Arab too!), he replied that Pig meat was haram for Muslims, which meant that he was forbidden from eating it. He also laid out a carefully scripted list of reasons explaining why one should not eat pork (which looked suspiciously similar to the posts that you see everyday on Facebook. If his friends hadn’t known him better, they would have believed that he happened to by-heart the entire thing). The others were disheartened on hearing this because they didn’t want to eat something which their friend would not.
However, the Christian took heart again and now moved towards the cow. Now he heard another shout. “No, brother, gomata! gomata!”. It was the Hindu.
The Christian looked at him in astonishment, and the Muslim was sneering at him! On being enquired of the reason for the shout and throw of random Hindi words (see, I used caps for Hindi too!), he replied that Cow was gomata for Hindus, which meant that he was forbidden from eating it. He also laid out a carefully scripted list of reasons explaining why one should not eat beef, especially since the cow was the sole source of income and livelihood, and was treated like a mother in the ancient ages. (Well, the women of the early ages enjoyed so much freedom that they could choose their own husbands! (baap re!), and walk through the streets without being scanned like a xerox paper or judged on the basis of what she wore. Surprisingly, only those qualities of the ancient age as were related to the cow, seemed to appeal to the guy. Maybe a cow is now more important than a woman. Lucky old gals!).
The others were disheartened on hearing this because they didn’t want to eat something which their friend would not.
(I just had to copy paste the above paragraph from the one before that, and make some minor changes. I did this on purpose so that you can see we are not as different as we think we are.)
Third time’s the charm they say! Now, the Christian moved towards the Chicken, half expecting a shout to stop. He didn’t hear any! The Chicken was neither impure nor divine. The Goat was waiting his turn by the Chicken. He too failed to seek enough importance from a religion, and now had to suffer the consequences. The knife rose and fell. But not on the Chicken or the Goat. The owner of the farm, the ‘vegan’ guy (who was keeping quiet so far and now had to say or do something before his heart would burst) had kicked the knife away from the hand of the Christian.
“A Chicken or Goat has as much life in it as does a Pig or a Cow. When you kill a man, it’s murder! If you kill a Dog, it’s cruelty! But you kill a Chicken or a Goat, it is Chicken 65 and Lamb chops respectively! Don’t pretend you are something great by thinking it’s a sin to kill a Cow or a Pig, but it’s pretty OK to kill other animals. There are only two conclusions, either you kill, or you don’t! You call this the sanctity of life? (He was becoming philosophical). Sanctity my ***”, he said and was panting now. Now his friends began bombing him with questions as to why he ate the plants, especially since they provide Oxygen to the atmosphere and all that shit. (Which, again, looked similar to the ridiculous arguments made by non-vegans on Facebook). Now, he calmly replied (while he was trying his best to stop himself from holding them by the head and shaking it till some sense finally came into it) that he doesn’t eat plants. He was not a Cow or a Goat, but a human, who ate the fruits and vegetables, and sometimes leaves of plants, which would all grow back unlike the limbs, hearts and dicks of the animals they ate.
Assured that they were not in danger of depletion of Oxygen due to their vegan friend, they had a lovely meal which was vegan of course, and thus celebrated their long overdue get together.